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Have You Forgiven Yourself?

2010-05-22T16:55:00.001-04:00

Overcoming abuse of any kind, whether you are male or female, old or young, can be a struggle. Abuse has no ethnic preference and the ramifications thereof affects both the saved and unsaved, but when do we learn to forgive?

I know a woman – beautiful lady, and her three adult children. Each of them endured abuse at some level throughout their childhood while in their mother’s care. During her second marriage, the daughter – from preschool to second grade, was molested on almost a daily basis and both she and her little brother were given pot by their stepfather. Even worse, the youngest son, only a toddler and hardly out of pampers was brutally beaten on more than one occasion, but just enough so that there were no broken bones. Sadly, this woman was being beaten by her husband as well. Her eldest, the daughter, witnessed at the age of seven, a shotgun being held to her mothers neck, while her husband threatened to pull the trigger. The third marriage only added insult to injury, as Her daughter continued to be molested everyday and raped on more than one occasion by the pedophile she called her husband.

I’ve known this woman and her story for quite some time now. Over the years she and her daughter have gone through many trials as a result of the abuse, moreover, when her daughter told her the truth, even though she saw proof, she denied it, and stayed in the marriage.

For many years their relationship suffered as a result, but today her daughter is saved, has a relationship with Christ, is a “for real” Christian- who not only professes Him in name, but deed. This woman’s daughter has forgiven her. Likewise, so have her sons. However, the purpose of this story is to talk about forgiving yourself.

My friend is older than me, but I do have a son. For that reason, I have finally come to recognize why it has been so hard for her to forgive her self. Over the years, I’ve tried to make her see how blessed she is that all of her children love her, none of them are in jail or a mental institution, and all are very upwardly mobile young men and woman, who would be at her side at a moments notice were anything to happen to her. I’ve witness them shower her with gifts and have had conversations with each of them about the endless love they all have for her.

Unfortunately, all the love her children have for her isn’t enough to make the pain and torment of the past go away. In fact, it only compounds the guilt she feels. You see, every time she opens a gift from one of her children, she thinks, “Wow, this is beautiful. I don’t deserve this because…” Every time her children come home to visit, she thinks, “Wow, my children love me, I don’t deserve this.” As a result, Satan takes every opportunity to remind her of what “she let happen” and how “she doesn’t deserve love” and how “she has no right to forgive her self”. So instead of being able to truly share happiness with her whole, healed, and delivered daughter and sons that love her dearly, the guilt and shame ensues. My friend not only allows the past to haunt her, but whenever there’s a problem with any of her grown children in the present, she blames her self.

If I simply wanted to discuss abuse and overcoming it, I could go on forever. We have all experienced some form of abuse or another, but this article is for those who simply can’t forgive themselves for the unthinkable.

Millions of people reading this would say to hell with that lady, she and both those men belong under the jail. But they are not, the mistakes have been made and while I believe there is still counseling needed in some areas, the kids are doing great. What concerns me is their mother. Her daughter made a comment a while ago, that while her mother wasn’t the best, the one thing she gave her was a work ethic. Likewise, her brothers agreed. Apparently, everything that happened to them, happened while their mother was working tooth and nail, trying to take care of them, as well as the men she married. That statement spoke volumes to me about this woman and how low her self-esteem had to be in order to allow something of this magnitude to happen not only in the life of her children, but her own.

While I don’t have all the answers to this dilemma, I do know that unforgiveness keeps you bound. This woman has endured so much. She was pregnant and married for the first time at fifteen years old; suffered abuse at the hands of men; worked her fingers to the bone to take care of her kids; and almost lost her daughter to suicide. Finally, she’s over fifty, married to a wonderful man who loves her for the first time, someone her children respects and adores; has several grand kids, and three kids that love her dearly.
This lady’s ex-husbands left her wounded long ago, yet she still hasn’t healed because she has continued to keep her wounds covered by anger, bitterness and most of all, unforgiveness toward her self.

Without forgiveness, you will not see God (Mathew 6:15, Mark 11:25&26). You can claim Him all day long, but you will not enter the gates of heaven. The day Jesus Christ died for us, every sin we committed was covered under His blood and the day you confess Him as Lord and savior of your life, all is forgiven because salvation has come (Romans 10:9&10). It’s because of His blood, and only by His blood that we have a right to come before God in prayer blameless. It’s because of His blood that those of us who know, serve and love him get into heaven (Hebrews 10:10). God loves us (1John 4:9). He is not sitting in heaven counting our sins because He knew from the foundation of the world, what mistakes we would make, whether or not our hearts are truly sorrowful for what we’ve done. And more importantly, He searches the inward parts of man, that which no one else sees. He is not a man. He doesn’t see us as we see ourselves, but through the blood of Jesus. Neither does God condemn, but He sent His spirit to bring conviction so that we might have a heart to change based on His love for us.

Forgiveness is not easy, but we have to remember, that in and of ourselves we can do nothing, but in Him we can do all things (Philippians 4:13)! God knows how much you’re hurting and sees how deep this wound is. Accept His forgiveness. Don’t place Him on your level. His ways are higher than our ways, thoughts higher than our thoughts. Give it to Him and allow Him to wash you, cleanse you and make you whole. And let me be the one to say, YOU DESERVE IT! YOU DO DESERVE IT! YOU’VE BEEN MADE RIGHTEOUS BY JESUS, THE LAMB THAT WAS SLAIN TO TAKE AWAY THE SINS OF THE WORLD!

“…Forgive, and ye shall be forgiven (Luke 6:37).”
God Bless!

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What Are You Doing To Help Your Fellow Man?

2010-01-06T14:33:00.000-05:00

The bible says if a man doesn’t work he doesn’t eat, and from a child I was taught this truth both directly and indirectly. I grew up in a very blended and large family. My parents divorced when my brother John and I were toddlers, but my dad has always remained a vital part of our lives. That being said, other than the two of us, John and I have a total of 7 brothers and sisters between my mom and dad. My father has 6 sisters, my mom has 8 siblings and my stepmom has a total of 11 sister and brothers, all of which are very near and dear to my heart. Moreover, all are very hardworking individuals, some poor, others middle class and some, very well off.

Over the years, I have been privy to what it’s like to live on both sides of the isle. Much of my childhood years was spent living with my mother and along with that came living in some of the worst neighborhoods and on a couple of occasions that I can recall, not knowing where our next meal was going to come from. I’ve seen her sell food stamps to keep the lights on and I’ve seen my grandparents come through for us on more than one occasion, loading our cabinets with food because they came to visit and realized we had nothing.

I’m not a fan of the welfare system, but neither do I believe it is a ploy by “the man” to keep people down. I believe it was set up with good intention, but unfortunately, by some recipients it has been used as a crutch and by many politicians it is now, and has been in prior years, used for political gain. And as always, society takes a look at a few bad apples and determines the entire bunch is spoiled. When I was a child I witnessed my mother lose a job two or three times, go to the government for help, use it for maybe a month and as soon as the next grocery store, gas station or fast food restaurant was hiring, she went back to work again. I was only a kid, but I was privy to a lot of things that most kids my age were not.

My mother had six kids and a tenth grade education and I’ve seen her go through hell just to keep the lights on and keep food on the table, and here’s why I’m thankful…She never gave up. She kept trying. Yes, she complained about the boss and wages compared to the work, but she never used it as an excuse to give up, cave in and quit. She was never on welfare for long periods of time because she didn’t care what the job paid, she simply wanted to work. Moreover, my uncles and aunts on every side did the same. My family is far from perfect on any side, whether it’s my dad’s side, my mom’s or my step-mom’s, but this I know…

Not every black man is lazy and not every black man leaves their children behind for someone else to raise. Not every single black mother sits around waiting on a check to come in the mail and not every black woman teaches her daughter to be a promiscuous, gold digging whore. And more importantly, just because I’m black doesn’t mean I’m a proponent of welfare and the welfare system. Some of us are about real change, which requires teaching a man how to fend for himself rather than bankrupting everyone in the process. Personally, I compare that method to pissing in the water and trying to tell us it’s rain.

I’m no expert, but I do realize that poverty in most cases is generational and it is time that we roll up our sleeves and help one another. For those of us who do have, it’s time that we be honest with those we know who don’t, and encourage them to do some things differently instead of walking by as if you don’t see them struggling to pay for bus fare; or buying your families groceries, and walking away as if you can’t see the brother standing next to you struggling to pay for a loaf of bread and pack of bologna to feed his family of five. Why don’t YOU do something, so our government won’t feel like they have to step in and take what is rightfully yours away from you. Why don’t you take the time to ask a person what they do for a living or what they would like to do for a living and counsel them where you can accordingly and where you can’t, introduce them to someone you know who can?

As for those who don’t have enough, and are struggling from day to day just to pay bus fare or keep food on your table… The next time you see a brother or sister stepping out of a Mercedes, Jag or BMW; rather than turning your nose up and forming what’s usually an unfair opinion about them, why not stop them and ask what they do, where they work, or give them your number and ask if you can pick their brain to see if they may be able to help you come up with some ideas to make your situation better. Unfortunately, most of our financial struggles are the same; many are only one paycheck away from poverty, if you’re doing well, maybe two. So it’s usually not others thinking less of you, but you feeling inferior as a result of your own insecurity. It’s unfortunate, but many who live in half million dollar homes are struggling just as much to pay their mortgage as you are to pay your rent, but struggling or not, there is always something to learn from those who are in a better situation than yourself.

I love giving money and being a blessing to strangers. Sometimes it’s scary because you don’t know how people are going to take it, but I would rather be turned down in my effort to bless, than not attempt to do anything. And while giving money away is nice, I recognize it’s not a cure, so my real fulfillment comes from men, women and teenagers who tell me that as a result of hanging with me, I’ve made a difference in their lives.

Let us all resolve to do better.

In Him

Email Lisa at lisaletstalk@gmail.com or join her on twitter

Thing's I've Learned From My Dogs: Part 1

2009-11-15T20:59:00.000-05:00

I’m amazed at how much I’ve learned from my dogs, Paka and Madison. They don’t eat your last piece of chocolate, jump out of closets to scare you on purpose, judge you when you do things you know you aren’t supposed to, and most importantly, they stand by you no matter what.

Whenever I come home my babies are wagging their little tails waiting for me with great anticipation, licking on my heals and ankles, and competing to see whose going to get acknowledged first. Whether they want to go potty or simply get a rub, they're always glad to see me.

I often wonder how a marriage would change if as a spouse one came home to a husband or wife who was genuinely glad to see them... Waiting for you at the door with a kiss and rub on the shoulder, not a problem that needs to be solved, bill that needs to be paid, or using you as a sounding board to dump all their problems on, just a kiss, a rub, and someone to listen if you have anything to say, and to top it off, a hot plate of food.

Some might say, "Get real". This is the real world”, but I can think of a few people that live this way, so I’m forced to believe it can happen.

I wonder what my dogs will teach me next…

Atlanta- The Most Toxic City In The U.S.

2009-11-07T18:34:00.000-05:00

Las Vegas has far from a clean reputation, but in Forbes' list of America's Most Toxic Cities, Las Vegas is named the least toxic of 40 major metropolitan areas.

Forbes ranked the cities based on the number of Superfund sites in the principal city, number of facilities that release toxic chemicals, amount of toxic chemicals released in the area and air quality ranking.

Following Las Vegas as the top 10 least toxic cities are Sacramento, Riverside, Austin, Seattle, San Diego, Virginia Beach, San Jose, New York and Phoenix.

Surprised to see a major city like New York in the top ten cleanest? Forbes explains:

Crowded urban areas are often thought of as the most polluted, but the latter isn't always caused by the former. While the Atlanta metro area takes top honors for toxicity, don't blame the city alone. The Atlanta metro includes the cities of Sandy Springs and Marietta, the sites of chemical plants, metal coaters and concrete factories. The cities have toxic-release levels equal at or higher than those Atlanta, in spite of populations that are 15% and 13% the size of Atlanta's, respectively.

The title of most toxic city goes to Atlanta, followed by Detroit, Houston, Chicago, Philadelphia, Cleveland, Los Angeles, Jacksonville, Baltimore and Portland.

In some cases it's not the main city itself that is to blame for poor air or dirty water. As Forbes explains, much of the pollution for some cities comes from factories and plants in surrounding areas.

"...while the Philadelphia metro area is our fourth most toxic area, the City of Brotherly Love doesn't hold the bulk of the blame for the pollution. Factories in smaller Wilmington, Del., in the same metro area, reported releasing 57% more pounds of toxins than Philadelphia in 2007. Wilmington houses a Pepsi bottler and General Motors assembly plant, as well as the headquarters of chemical company Dupont."

The most toxic cities:
1. Atlanta-Sandy Springs-Marietta
2. Detroit-Warren-Livonia
3. Chicago-Naperville-Joliet
4. Houston-Sugar Land-Baytown
5. Philadelphia-Camden-Wilmington
6. Cleveland-Elyria-Mentor
7. Los Angeles-Long Beach-Santa Ana
8. Jacksonville
9. Baltimore-Towson
10. Portland-Vancouver-Beaverton

The least toxic cities:
1. Las Vegas-Paradise
2. Sacramento--Arden-Arcade--Roseville
3. Riverside-San Bernardino-Ontario
4. Austin-Round Rock
5. Seattle-Tacoma-Bellevue
6. San Diego-Carlsbad-San Marcos
7. Virginia Beach-Norfolk-Newport News
8. San Jose-Sunnyvale-Santa Clara
9. New York-Northern New Jersey-Long Island
10. Phoenix-Mesa-Scottsdale

View article by Forbes

HELP CHILDREN WHO HAVE NO HOPE!

2009-11-03T14:27:00.003-05:00

When Sex Just Isn't The Same

2009-11-02T22:43:00.000-05:00

Not long ago I received a call from a dear friend and I could here the plea of desperately needing someone to hold on to. I could hear the pain in her voice and for as long as I’d known her, she’d always been somewhat guarded and reserved, so to hear such resolution really concerned me. We’d worked together for several years so I’ve had the pleasure of spending time with she and her dear husband from time to time and as a young, gorgeous couple, genuinely enjoying the time they spent together; I was sure with a little hard work they could get through anything.

I was on my way to church the evening I got the phone call. I could hear the anguish in her voice and I knew I couldn’t ignore it so I turned around, dropped my son back off at home, and met her at our favorite coffee shop.

She told me her husband had revealed to her that he no longer loved her; that he wanted out of the marriage. She and I aren’t the best of friends, but over the years we’ve spent quite a bit of time together; enough for me to recognize he was lying immediately. I’d witnessed first hand how much this man adored his wife; how he adorned her with gifts and the way he smiled at her when she wasn’t looking; even the endearing things he said about her, not only in my presence but others, and it was genuine. While we know there’s no such thing as the perfect marriage, I thought this couple had the determination it takes to make a marriage work. And sadly, they’re going through a process of separation with every intention of filing for divorce soon.

Now for a little history… They started dating in college and later married. My friend was saved, had a relationship with the Lord, however, he did not. In fact, while he professed belief, he shunned the church. In addition, he was extremely jealous and brought past issues into the relationship, because apparently his ex-girlfriend cheated and he expected her to do the same. Counseling ensued before the wedding and life began to happen. She had some medical issues, so sex wasn’t happening as often as a young twenty something male would have liked, but they sought help and it was corrected. Slowly, but methodically, my friend’s husband began introducing things into their sex life that she felt would further distance her relationship with God. First it was magazines, then premium channel “soft” porn, but being married, she agreed to watch it. Obviously, what followed suit was acting out what was being seen; following that was the internet porn and buying toys on the internet; then, little did she know, sexual requests that normal men don’t typically make of their wives, straight men anyway; and finally, the straw that broke the camel’s back, a threesome with male or female.

Suddenly I was no longer surprised that during her pregnancy he had no desire for her. Originally I found that hard to believe considering in times past he couldn’t keep his hands off of her, but it all started coming together. After constantly thinking of, and imagining near perfect bodies go at it in every position and direction… How could a pregnant woman possibly be found attractive?

If it seems as though all fingers are pointing towards him; they are not. My friend certainly played her role in the breakdown of the marriage, but the purpose of the story and the time line is not to blame either of them, but to give a would-be guide for those who may be facing similar situations; in hopes that you wont’ have to face foreclosure or a dwindling bank account before facing your own reality.

Although it’s not over, it is taking some very wise counsel, both spiritual and professional to help her get through this. And my advice to those who may be reading this is to seek the same.

People don’t get addicted to sex and porn, gambling or even drugs overnight…it’s a process, whether short or long, and all it takes is one seed to take root, so let’s be careful to watch what we’re allowing to take root in our lives. Let’s take inventory of what we’re listening too; who and what we’re entertaining; and the things we’re giving our attention too.

My heart aches for this couple I’ve grown to care for so deeply; both have been there for me in my time of need and he’s a beautiful person that needs much healing, but I believe with God’s help all things are possible and that this too shall pass and he can overcome it.

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